Create-a-Caption #2

Parody Rap #1 - MC Hamzzer - Can't Type This

I have no idea what compelled me to do this, but enjoy lol.

(Can't type this)
(Can't type this)
(Can't type this)
(Can't type this)

My, my, my blogposts, hit you, so hard
Makes me say, oh Allah
Thank you, for blessing me,
With a mind to type with these fly keys
Feels good...when you know your down
A superdope homeboy from Pakistan
And it's known, I'm hype
And this is a blog uh, you can't type

I told ya homeboy (can't type this)
Yeah, that's how we livin you know (can't type this)
Look in my eyes man (can't type this)
Yo let me type in hieroglyphics (can't type this)

Fresh topics and plans
Sometimes I be posting ish no one understands
So co-zy in my seat
And postin bout girls I want to meet
Keep you scrollin fo' long
Writing "little" bits, to let you know what's goin' on
Type this, type that
Cold in the Kalgree, must go back
To the T-dot, oh so hype!
Now this is a blogpost I must type

Yo I told you (can't type this)
Why you standin there man (can't type this)
Yo what the hell? School is in? (can't type this)
...(can't touch this)

Jokes on my blog, yes I kid 'em
They don't laugh, but I'm forgivin' em
So now, they know
You talk about the Hamzza, you're talkin bout a bro
That likes to type
Readers are wealthy, so let's take a swipe
for their cash, to burn
What's this crap about saving money that you haven't earned?
The art's legit
If you don't steal hard, then you might as well quit

That's work because you know (can't type this)
(can't type this)
Break it down!

(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)

Stop! Hamzzza time!

Go with the flow it is said
If you read all my blogs, I go from A to Z
Don't wave your hands in the air
Type a few keys, bloggin here, bloggin there
When I blog, I'm the winner
Like how Mashy is, when it comes to dinner
Now move, type, and coast
It's almost gettin time to drop this post

CTRL+ALT+DEL yeah (can't type this)
David Beckham (can't type this)
smarticulators.blogspot.com (can't type this)
c'mon wikipedia, break it down!

(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
(Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Stop! Hamzza time!

Every time you see me, that Hammzer's so hype
I'm dope with the 'board and I'm magic when I type
Now why would I ever stop doin this
I'm tryna break records, now don't dismiss
I went from Toronto, to Cal-ga-ray
It's Hamzzer go Hamzzer MC Hammzzer Yo Hamzzer and the rest are g......ourmet

Mm foood...(can't type this)
...droool....(can't type th..)...
(Can't typ...)
Yea...(Can't...)
I told you...(Ca-...)
So ripe...(...)
Get me outta here!!

(Can't type this!)

[Special thanks go to Hamza, merely for being the perspective of this particular parody]

Create-a-Caption

I, for one, would not have thought that Hamza's previous post would serve as an inspiration. Clearly, I am wrong. See, we used to play this game at this old forum we had, where someone would post a picture of something, really anything, and everyone else would try and derive captions. They can play on whatever you find funny: the picture itself, inside jokes, current news, etc. So for the one I've posted above, maybe a caption could be: "Now, you be Materazzi, and I will be Zidane."

Keep em coming guys!

Another Day at the Office

Today was a strange day. As you are undoubtedly aware - coworkers can be quite bizarre at times and downright clinically insane at others. My story begins as i was on my way to work - my pre-work ritual usually consists of putting on of my uniform, taking a shower, and brushing my teeth (yes - in that order - i like to arrive at work soaking wet). Once i arrived at my humble "home-away-from home", i met up with my co-worker to relieve his shift. He then proceeded to inform me of a few strange events that had occured the week before.

Apparently - as he was about to leave work - he noticed a car loitering around the parking lot. So he proceeded to wait till it left - and when it didn't he decided he'd just take off anyways. So as he was leaving - the car started to follow him. So my co-worker (who will remain anonymous) - began to get a bit fidgety and pulled over. The car went by him and he started to follow it instead.

So as he's relating this story he tells me he's got some sort of past with unsavory individuals - which is why he was a bit paranoid. I proceed to nod - thinking - ahh - just another case of the paranoia blues.

But wait - theres more...

You might be wondering what my co-workers solution to this problem might be? Well - if your thinking he'd put in a complaint with the local po-po station - your wrong. Turns out he's gonna start carrying a gun - in case someone else decides to follow him. Now unless this stalker-guy was driving a Scion xB - i see no reason for the man to die by way of multiple bullet holes (btw - for those who drive this sorry excuse of a car - death by inhumane methods of torture is mandatory). Usually i prefer to let cars that follow me suffer slowly by driving just under the speed limit - which usually leads to them becoming frustrated and subsequently overtaking me - ofcourse - shooting them would also get my point across. However i'm more of a sadist and like to see people suffer slowly.

Now - i pointed out this little discrepancy to my co-worker (who lets just say is a bit fresh off the boat) - and he proceeded to emphasize just how "wicked" these people were. Now i'm not sure if he meant wicked as in "oh wow - thats an awesome wicked stunt" - or wicked as in "the wicked witch of the west" - but I'm willing to bet its the latter rather than the former.

So how does this affect me you ask? Well - now i'm just hoping i wont be mistaken for my coworker and accidentally get shot in the face for associating with him (btw - this almost sounds like a script to a movie). Well suffice to say i wont be picking up any of his shifts and will be going to work with a bullet proof vest from here on out.

Note to all my friends: Start drafting eulogies and send them over so i can proof read 'em all.

New rules: stop pursuit of desi women.

Stop - Drop and Roll - emergency procedures you should be aware of

I'm not sure if you've heard of this - but i feel it is my duty as an aspiring EMS worker - that i enlighten everyone on this extremely important procedure.

Now i know the name can be confusing and ambiguous - i mean what exactly does Stop, Drop and Roll mean? Is it an euphemism for a drum roll of some kind? Is it a cheer or a song we sing when on fire? Well i'm here to clarify everything there is to know about this life saving procedure (i will also henceforth take credit for every saved life that employs this oh-so-complicated maneuver). So hold onto your hats people - and get out your shades - cause ur all about to be blinded by some serious infor-ma-ta-own (slang for information).

Now the first question ya'll might have is - do i really need to know this procedure? Well - according to recent survey results - 4 out of every 5 people will set themselves on fire at least once in their lifetime - now for those of you who looked this up and found it not to be true - that's cause these numbers are extrapolated from my immediate circle of friends. I like to generalize my findings to the world at large - after all - my life should be a shining pillar of guidance to everyone else out there.

Secondly, you might be wondering, if i was dumb enough to set myself on fire - would i not deserve to die a painful meaningless death? Yes....that's true - but because of my obvious disdain for this whole notion of Survival of the Fittest - i consider it my solemn duty in life to preserve the life of every idiot who sets HIMself on fire.

Now the 3rd question you all might have is - don't u mean "Him or Herself on fire?" - and the simple answer to that is - No i don't. Girls don't have the know-how (read: arent dumb enough) to douse themselves in gasoline and start chain smoking with their unemployed high-as-a-kite friends.

Now that i have answered all your questions - i will proceed to outline the complex procedures involved in this highly acrobatic maneuver in order to douse potentially life threatening flames:

1) Stop (what your doing)
2) Drop (to the floor), and
3) Roll (around like ur life dependent on it)

Take your time to study these all important steps and if you must - get them tattoo'ed ala Michael Schofield....you never know when these 3 simple steps might come in handy....

Episode 8

[Episode 8]

[Immediately after Episode 7]

He pulled out his cellphone, and dialed away
Then held it up by his left ear
"Yes, ma'am, we've got her...her brothers as well.
How long do we have to stay here?"

As Heath was preoccupied with the call
Ada had found herself scared
"He looks a bit shady" she said to her brothers
"He's like that." Gareth then shared.

"He does what he has to, to get what he wants.
Ruthless perhaps, but effective.
Shady or not, he gets the job done.
It all depends on your perspective."

"Ruthless in what way? Why are we here?"
Keith had replied in alarm.
Gareth, then seeing the imminent panic,
Assured that Heath was of no harm.

"I don't know the mission, we'll find out together
But know that Heath's on our team"
Heath then hung up and pulled out his gun...
Gunshots were met with a scream...

[End of Episode 8]

Another Post

OMG - another blog post within the span of several days? What's the world come to! It seems as if i've finally decided to pull my weight around here and post a bit more frequently - which would indicate that i have suffered at least a few minor concussions along the way somewhere. So what is it that i have to say today you ask? A lot actually - my mind is on overdrive and you - my dear friends - are my passengers - so watch your step people because i am about to drop some serious knowledge.

Ok first things first: What is up with this video?


Secondly: why is it that i procrastinate with random youtube videos??

Thirdly: I didn't have any knowledge to drop - i just did that for dramatic effect....

Open letter to Calgary Transit

Dear Mr. ******
Public Relations

Re: Concerns regarding safety on CT buses.

On Tuesday at approximately 5:15 pm, I boarded bus number 137 on its way to Brentwood station. In my scramble to get ready my ID card, I did not have a chance to glance at the driver seated and by the time I raised my head, the door behind me closed and the bus began its movement. Two seductive eyes beautifully balanced with a splash of mascara were peering at me--it was a woman driver.

Suffice to say that I shall of course ensure that the driver is not of that gender in the future.

The bus barely began to move when I was thrown to one side of the bus. I couldn't even regain my footing as she pounced on the breaks, throwing her whole (skimpy) weight on them. She then turned around to face the anxious passengers, all red and giggling, and casually let out an "oops." She restarted the bus with a very jerky push on the acceleration and the whole bus ride was a very slow and painful experience. And this only till the next stop, as I made sure to get out then, so as not to risk my life any further.

My experience is not unique, sir. It is a common occurrence, one that can easily be backed by statistics and carefully designed studies if your company so desires to undertake such an endeavor. This is a glaring safety concern, and one worth careful consideration.

Let us strive to make things the way nature intended.

And I'm yours,

Sincerely,

Hamzz

[Editor's note: The name Hamzz is a pseudonym to protect the identity of Hamza J.]

UPDATE! REPLY!!!! In its entirety:

****

Date: Tue, 5 Feb 2008 20:39:41 -0700

From: publicrelations@caltransit.com
To: hamza****@gmail.com
Subject: Re: Concerns regarding safety on CT buses

You fu***** bast***.

Regards,

Michelle Sweeney
Public Relations, CT, Part-time
Bus Driver, CT, Part-time
Knitting Instructor, Part-time

P.S. Next time send your complaints to the Customer Service department ***hole.

Random Blog Post

So it seems as if i've been away from the blogging game for quite some time. Wouldn't you know it - i managed to actually find myself a life outside my monitor and it's been getting pretty busy lately. I would drone on and on about how busy i really am - and how inferior everyone else is because they are undoubtedly less busier than i - but i won't bore you with silly little details.

Instead - i will proceed to dazzle everyone with my sheer brilliance and leave you with some food for thought. Yes i know - i'm quite legendary when it comes to deep meaningful conversations (and modest about it as well).

So what i've been noticing lately is our supposed obsession with Britney Spears. Don't get me wrong - i love a good gossip column on any old pop star - but this obsession is bordering on God-like worship. It seems as if everyone keeps praying for her to make the next big mistake - although she doesn't need divine intervention to be any more messed up than she already is.

It seems - and correct me I'm being a bit out of line here- but wouldn't we be better off focusing on more pressing issues? Like for example - why did the cow jump over the moon and run away with the fork? If Homer Simpson had hair - would he ever consider a buzz cut? Why do i ask meaningless questions? You get my drift...

Anywho - this post will prolly disappoint everyone because it's so random - so i'll leave you with a video to satiate your inner teddybear. (note: if you don't see the similarities between Puss-In-Boots then i pity you).

Response to Mash's aside..

I accept many solicitations of really radical yeanlings. What is lavishly lacking, Paki, or should the stereotype only ostracize natives?